Full

I just compiled a list of the things I love, which is easy to do after a few weeks in Montana.  These

Supermoon over the Yellowstone River & Emigrant Peak

things include the way my footsteps sound on the forest floor when I’m hiking to Pine Creek Falls, or the Supermoon standing watch over Emigrant Peak, it’s reflection bright and clear in the Yellowstone River… or the sound of Nate’s laugh after he’s beaten me at yet another game of pool… or naps in the Master bedroom at Rivers Bend – with the doors open and the sound of the river and the view of the Absarokas in the distance as I fall asleep.

My soul is full.  Filled to the brim.  Sure, there are moments of doubt, or questions about what might be around the corner.  But that’s just life. In this moment, right now, I feel full – that content feeling after a good meal with good friends.   I’m not still a wee-bit hungry, or grossly over-stuffed.  I am just right.  Just full.

And this is after a couple of years of soul-sucking work, long hours and working with many people who took until they took too much.  Too much of me.  Too much from my family.  Too much.  By the end of last year I was sure they had taken so much I might never recover.  Of course, I had something to do with letting that happen.   A big meal spread in front of me so often and yet I chose to starve myself at times, or let others eat what I should have been eating.  So, in all reality, I suppose I was starving my own soul.

But here I am.  Full.

And full didn’t come just from a few weeks of being in our favorite place on earth.  I added to my list of other things I love and am grateful for - and realized that they were things that had been given over the course of the past six months (and much, much longer in most cases).  

Full has come from a deep appreciation for close friends who surrounded me and loved me and spoke truth and kindness to this weary soul that had been broken and burnt out on work and people in ministry.   Sitting here I see people who have known me for two decades or two years and recognize the gifts they have been in loving me well.  I have been struck by the length of years of so many – and am heartened by the fact that they have known me for so long and see the best and most beautiful things in me… and have reminded me of those things.  They've also seen the hardest parts of me - and love me anyway.

Our vacation selfie

Full has come from my best friend – my husband – who talks with me about anything and everything and who still dreams with me after 20 years of marriage. 

Full has come from a sister who has rooted for me no matter what’s been going on in my life (or hers for that matter).   And, full has come from hearing her call things as she sees them.  She’s been doing that for a while.  I finally listened. :)

Full has come from a pastor friend who gently and humorously restored my faith in my faith. 

I am realizing that full hasn’t just come from one good meal.  It’s come from many good meals. I realize that I was being fed when I didn’t even know it or when I wasn’t in a position to recognize it. 

Perhaps what Montana has afforded me (yet again) is perspective.  The ability to see clearly.    To see not what I am lacking but what I am filled with.

And I’m grateful.