Parenthood - Both Real & Imagined

We went to dinner last night with our dear friends, Mike & Becky Kankelfritz.  It was fantastic - and we love sharing life with these two.  We have different backgrounds, but similar hearts and so it makes the time fly by when we're enjoying a night out with each other.  We talked a lot last night about our children (and a whole host of other topics that were completely unrelated), but there was one piece of the conversation that I am still thinking about this morning.  Mike and Becky have two beautiful children - Abby Grace and Sam.  Sam is just a little guy right now, apparently getting into everything and talking up a storm whenever they go out to a restaurant.  This led us to a discussion about fatherhood and how you have these moments when you look around and recognize that one of these moments is exactly what you had pictured when being a father was merely a dream.

Nate, 5 years old, "washing" dishes

In sharing, we talked about Nate's Little League championship and how much it meant this year.  More than that, Dave talked about two moments that he has had as a father that were merely dreams in his head when he was just imagining what being a father to a son would be like.  One took place at Disneyland when Nate was 3-years-old.  We spent all day in the Magic Kingdom with my Auntie Pam and ended the night watching the ever-famous fireworks show where Tinkerbell flies over Cinderella's Castle.  I remember coming out from a store where I was picking up a picture from earlier in the day, and looking in the distance at my husband, with Nate sitting in his lap, looking up at the sky watching the flashes of orange and green and red while iconic Disney songs played in the background.  When I sat down next to Dave, he looked over at me and said, "This is exactly what I imagined life would look like when I had a child."

And the other moment came at some point in the third year of Nate's Little League career.  Dave was coaching, Nate was catching... somewhere in the midst of all the chaos that is trying to manage a bunch of 8-year-olds and their baseball "careers", Dave looked at Nate standing next to him on the field and thought "This is exactly what I had imagined my life would be with my son."

I love those moments - those moments when we as parents can stand back and appreciate all the beauty that comes with shepherding these little souls as they grow and learn.  I think for us, especially because we had hoped to be parents for so long, we have recognized those moments in ways that might have passed us by if we had taken this privilege for granted and it had come easily.

There are also those moments where you look around and say to yourself, "This is not at all what I thought parenthood would be!"  Some of these moments for us included a month-long stint in the hospital as Nate struggled to overcome a horrible infection that almost took his life... or some of the physical challenges that came early on for us because of the birth defect he was born with.  I had not imagined moments of total desperation and fear, and the constant worry about whether we were getting him the right care in the right moment.

And, there are other difficult moments I had not imagined when contemplating parenthood - those moments that would be difficult for his little spirit - the situations that are sad and hard that you have to explain are the result of living in a very broken world -  the realities of the hard things that happen around you, or the people that aren't who they should be... and quite frankly, the moments where I, as a parent, have to back up and apologize because I have totally screwed up and I need to ask for his forgiveness. 



Abby-the "Cover Girl -enjoying a swing at Morgan's Wonderland


And, in thinking about Mike and Becky's own journey, I know there have been many things for them through the years that were moments they had not imagined when they were dreaming about being parents.  Every time I am with them, I am amazed at their parenting skills in the face of some big challenges - challenges that the majority of parents will never have to face.  What I am most amazed by is how they are this example of living life openly, authenticly - with all the love right there, as well as the honest truth about the daily struggles that come with a special needs child.  And, I have this sense that there have been some beautiful discoveries because they have this special situation - one of them of late has been the fact that Abby's photo will be on the cover of a calendar for a great place called "Morgan's Wonderland" - this incredible place where any kid can ride any ride and have a fabulous time!  The photo that Becky took of Abby is of Abby swinging in a swing, with these cute pink sunglasses on and the biggest smile in the world!  That's one of Abby's great gifts - her smile and the look of total joy that crosses that face when she is having a good time!  I know that the circumstances that Becky and Mike find themselves in were not a part of the "standard plan" they might have thought would be for them as parents  -- but I KNOW when they see that smile on Abby's face, they are thinking "That is the smile I always imagined I would delight in when I thought about what it would be like to be a parent." 

It is a special place -- that intersection where our expectations for something we have dreamed about and the reality of having it and living it out meet.  Real life can be a beautiful mix of the two.  There are many things I have dreamed about being different in my own little family unit once I had one - and I have purposefully worked towards making those things a part of the every day world in the Quan household.  And there are many things that have been hard and strange and difficult that we have embraced and lived out honestly in spite of the fact that they weren't what we had imagined life would be like as a family.  But, it makes us real, and also more capable of loving each other and walking out the very dark days together... as well as relishing the moments of pure happiness we get to encounter as we live out our lives.

One thing I have imagined that has become a reality is this - that my son would be more like my husband than me.  And, so far, so good!  Instead of my anxious and intense personality, he has inherited Dave's more laid back and "take life as it comes" personality.  Now I recognize that this can be both good and bad, but for the most part, it serves Nate well.  He enjoys life.  He genuinely enjoys it, embraces it and worries very little about tomorrow.  I love that he is like Dave in this way.   I love to watch the two of them be total "boys" - wrestling, playing Nerf basketball in his room, talking for two hours about Nate's baseball team and recounting every play from the last game, watching them battle it out with John Madden's Football on the Wii.  I also love that they spent part of today packing and carrying boxes from my old office to my new one, moving things in and out of storage - and then going on to GameStop to buy some new video games!  I am so grateful for a husband who is an incredible father - who models for Nate what it means to serve, to give (to wash dishes and cook once in awhile!), that a compassionate heart is the most important thing... a father like Dave is a rare thing.

Which leads me to:  HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!  A "shout out" to my hubby who impresses me daily with his commitment to our son and our family.  And a "shout out" to my own dad on this special day.  Also... in this blog a "shout out" to Mike and Becky K on Father's Day - you two are wonderful parents!  To all the dads out there that have touched our lives in one way or another - uncles, brothers and close friends - enjoy the day!

-Rachel for the Quan Clan

40 is just a number (or at least that's what I keep telling myself)

A special birthday cake from my hubby... with ALL the candles!

40 is just a number.  At least that's what I have told myself.  40 is really just 10 years times 4.  And life in 10 year increments is easier to digest.  First ten years, you're still just a kid.  Second ten years, you're a young adult and still feel like your whole life is in front of you.  Third ten years, you aren't "too young", not "too old", just the right amount of mature, but not too mature.  And... here... the next ten... well they went by fast, ding dang it!  Especially when I compare it to the life of a little boy who was just a baby - yesterday?  Well, it seems like it.

I have to say - I like who I am at 40.  I like that I care a lot less about what other people think and feel more comfortable in my own skin as I continue to navigate my way through life.  But, I also have this nagging sense that time is passing by more quickly - that life changes in the blink of an eye, that sometimes I am missing out on something because it's moving so fast.  That's why those around me hear me say (about a hundred times) that I try very hard to focus on "being present" in a moment.  Like right now.  I am sitting in my favorite chair at home looking at my son sitting on the couch with the remote control in his hands while he watches a baseball game.  Present in this moment is feeling the wind from our ceiling fan and watching my chubby cheeked boy as he comments on the Astros pitching game.  This is what I am thinking:  That's my boy... and he's sitting here, comfortably, at home - content with the family that surrounds him, comfortable in the space that is our house, enjoying a conversation about baseball with his dad...

And then there are the things I'm not so comfortable with at 40.  That would be things like not looking like I did when I was 20.  Although, I have to say, I can probably bench press more now than I did at 20.  I have had to come to terms with the fact that my high school varsity basketball body days are over... but I try harder to take care of what I do have (shout out to my dear friend and trainer, Kelly Haley).  I do wish, however, that I had paid more attention to the physical part of my life a lot sooner, and that I had paid more attention to eating right in my 20s so that this battle would be easier in my 40s. 

Other things I am not so comfortable with at 40: 

With the Final Four Staff... "Mama" did her best!

• Being the "mama" in the office.  When did this happen? I ask myself.  I used to always be the youngest one in the office, and suddenly I am the one managing the team, dispensing the advice and generally taking care of the bumps, bruises and hurts of those who work for me.  It's a weird thing to be the "mama" in the office.  This happened pretty quickly at the Final Four office - and to this day, when I call one of those "young 'uns" and they see that it's me calling, they answer:  "Hi Mama!" 
• Hearing people say that I have now officially reached "middle age."  What???  My great-grandma lived to be 101 and my Grandpa Chin lived to be 90.  Excuse me, but I am not middle-aged yet if I take after my Chin side at all.  Middle age will be in my 50s...  maybe.  Nate reminds me that I could still possibly be in the Guiness Book of World Records if I live to be 130 or something - in which case, I am not even close to middle age!
• Realizing that if I am getting older, so are the people around me.  My hubby is now in his 50s.  My son is now getting ready to start Middle School.  Time is flying by and gosh darn it, I haven't been able to catch up!  I just want to freeze some moments and really, really live in them.

Things I like about being 40:

• To begin with, there are the years of relationships that have only grown in their depth and their value.  The fact that I am old enough to have really lived life with people and they with me has been one of life's greatest gifts.  I can name so many of those long, deep, priceless friendships that span many years now. 
• I am thinking of Eileen Quon who was so instrumental in my early days with Dave - she planned my wedding and it was hers and Marv's house that we found ourselves at many a Friday night in those early days of marriage. 
• I am thinking of Michelle Eutsler whom I have now known for 15 years - the thousands of miles we've logged together in a car on road trips, the numerous events we've pulled off over the years - staff retreats, weddings, you name it - the time she took off work when I had a 104 temp and couldn't get out of bed and Dave was at the office trying to meet a client deadline.  Who else would take 2 days off to nurse me back to health and watch my baby?? 
• I am thinking of Mary Kent Yochum whom I have now known 15 years as well... and one gigantic festival later, I still call her my "Yoda Friend" for the way she can speak calm and peace into any situation. 
• I am thinking of Laura Smith and the many walks through our neighborhood together, cups of coffee, trips to work together on events - she fills my life with such laughter! 
• I am thinking of sweet Roxie Chess and the hours of "chick-flick" movies we've seen together.  Who else in my life can I spend hours and hours talking to about theology AND fashion?  Oh boy - it's been so hard to not live in the same city as you and be able to just meet you for one of our Saturday "Girl Nights."



Esther and Nate

• Or sweet Esther Choi who lived in the Quan house for a number of years and became our "adopted" daughter... all these years later to see her as a mother, growing and juggling - it's amazing to see how far we've come!
• I am thinking of some of the precious "brothers" I have shared great friendships with through the years - Colin James (best boss in the whole world) and the blood, sweat and tears we poured out in the world of Festivals -- Brent Walla and the crazy hours spent pulling together an event, as well as the great conversations about life, God and family while we produced a show -- Al Lee and the way that he has always just "shown up" for our little family through the years... hanging my pictures every time we moved houses (and that has been a lot!), bringing me flowers just because, hanging out with Dave and I on any given holiday as we clean up -- I am thinking of Johnny Myers and the hours we've spent strategizing and generally being silly through the years.



Rachel and Johnny Myers

• It has been 40 years of building, deepening and developing these sweet, long-standing friendships that have stood the test of time.  I am so blessed.  And being 40 means that I have had the time to nurture, grow and enjoy these types of friendships - these are relationships that have been cultivated over time - and I have had the time to do that.  So, for my twenty-something friends out there - look around when you hit 40.  The friends you have left in your life at 40 will tell you where you invested your time wisely through the years.

Other things I like about being 40:

• Another plus?  ...having enough years under my belt to claim a bit of wisdom.  After many years of working, juggling, overcoming, slowing down, managing people and projects... I can claim a bit of experience and wisdom in life.  This has come in handy in the work realm.  I might be the "Mama" of the office, but that's a title that means I've been around the block enough to offer some insight and expertise once in awhile. 
• And then there's the confirmation in knowing that the crucial decisions I've made through the years - the places where I stopped long enough to take something seriously - have paid off.  40 years later, you can look back with some perspective and recognize that some of those big risks you took - well, they meant something!  Two that come to mind:




Dave and Rach

• I married the right man.  I could have married a different man - someone who I had dated for a long time, a nice guy, a good guy - it would have been convenient and easier than stepping into the relationship that ultimately led to marriage.  But, I took a different path and walked away from what seemed natural at the time... and married the right guy for me.  If I had married the other guy - I would have stayed where I had always been and done the things I had always done.  Instead I opted for the adventure and I am so glad that I did.
• I didn't stay in the same city that I grew up in.  I took a risk and a chance and moved halfway across the country to this big ol' state called Texas... to a hot and humid town called Houston... and made my own life and way here.  I love, love, love this town.  I love the people and the entrepreunerial spirit of this city - the way you can be anyone and have come from anywhere and make your way here.  I love the multi-culturalism (believe it or not, much more so than Southern Cal), I love the "can do" attitude.  I love that you can find many of us taking a run in 95 degree heat and 100% humidity because we are just plain tough, hard-working folks.  This city has been good to me - I have gotten to define my path and my identity in a special and unique way here.  It is home.  It always will be.

So... I'll just keep pushin' forward through the next decade.  I hope I stop long enough to be present in all the right moments.  I hope I learn more about myself, my family and my community and that I revel in those discoveries as they come my way.  I hope I can love deeper and better and that in doing so I make a difference in the world.  I hope I can write another blog at my 50th year and be just as content as I am in this moment.

-Rachel for the Quan Clan

And... finally... for those who didn't get to see it... click on the link for the sweet slideshow that my hubby and my niece put together - a great collection of photos of life lived with so many people I love so dearly!  Click here:  http://s158.photobucket.com/albums/t86/seraph7clothing/?action=view&current=Rachel1.mp4