40 is just a number (or at least that's what I keep telling myself)

A special birthday cake from my hubby... with ALL the candles!

40 is just a number.  At least that's what I have told myself.  40 is really just 10 years times 4.  And life in 10 year increments is easier to digest.  First ten years, you're still just a kid.  Second ten years, you're a young adult and still feel like your whole life is in front of you.  Third ten years, you aren't "too young", not "too old", just the right amount of mature, but not too mature.  And... here... the next ten... well they went by fast, ding dang it!  Especially when I compare it to the life of a little boy who was just a baby - yesterday?  Well, it seems like it.

I have to say - I like who I am at 40.  I like that I care a lot less about what other people think and feel more comfortable in my own skin as I continue to navigate my way through life.  But, I also have this nagging sense that time is passing by more quickly - that life changes in the blink of an eye, that sometimes I am missing out on something because it's moving so fast.  That's why those around me hear me say (about a hundred times) that I try very hard to focus on "being present" in a moment.  Like right now.  I am sitting in my favorite chair at home looking at my son sitting on the couch with the remote control in his hands while he watches a baseball game.  Present in this moment is feeling the wind from our ceiling fan and watching my chubby cheeked boy as he comments on the Astros pitching game.  This is what I am thinking:  That's my boy... and he's sitting here, comfortably, at home - content with the family that surrounds him, comfortable in the space that is our house, enjoying a conversation about baseball with his dad...

And then there are the things I'm not so comfortable with at 40.  That would be things like not looking like I did when I was 20.  Although, I have to say, I can probably bench press more now than I did at 20.  I have had to come to terms with the fact that my high school varsity basketball body days are over... but I try harder to take care of what I do have (shout out to my dear friend and trainer, Kelly Haley).  I do wish, however, that I had paid more attention to the physical part of my life a lot sooner, and that I had paid more attention to eating right in my 20s so that this battle would be easier in my 40s. 

Other things I am not so comfortable with at 40: 

With the Final Four Staff... "Mama" did her best!

• Being the "mama" in the office.  When did this happen? I ask myself.  I used to always be the youngest one in the office, and suddenly I am the one managing the team, dispensing the advice and generally taking care of the bumps, bruises and hurts of those who work for me.  It's a weird thing to be the "mama" in the office.  This happened pretty quickly at the Final Four office - and to this day, when I call one of those "young 'uns" and they see that it's me calling, they answer:  "Hi Mama!" 
• Hearing people say that I have now officially reached "middle age."  What???  My great-grandma lived to be 101 and my Grandpa Chin lived to be 90.  Excuse me, but I am not middle-aged yet if I take after my Chin side at all.  Middle age will be in my 50s...  maybe.  Nate reminds me that I could still possibly be in the Guiness Book of World Records if I live to be 130 or something - in which case, I am not even close to middle age!
• Realizing that if I am getting older, so are the people around me.  My hubby is now in his 50s.  My son is now getting ready to start Middle School.  Time is flying by and gosh darn it, I haven't been able to catch up!  I just want to freeze some moments and really, really live in them.

Things I like about being 40:

• To begin with, there are the years of relationships that have only grown in their depth and their value.  The fact that I am old enough to have really lived life with people and they with me has been one of life's greatest gifts.  I can name so many of those long, deep, priceless friendships that span many years now. 
• I am thinking of Eileen Quon who was so instrumental in my early days with Dave - she planned my wedding and it was hers and Marv's house that we found ourselves at many a Friday night in those early days of marriage. 
• I am thinking of Michelle Eutsler whom I have now known for 15 years - the thousands of miles we've logged together in a car on road trips, the numerous events we've pulled off over the years - staff retreats, weddings, you name it - the time she took off work when I had a 104 temp and couldn't get out of bed and Dave was at the office trying to meet a client deadline.  Who else would take 2 days off to nurse me back to health and watch my baby?? 
• I am thinking of Mary Kent Yochum whom I have now known 15 years as well... and one gigantic festival later, I still call her my "Yoda Friend" for the way she can speak calm and peace into any situation. 
• I am thinking of Laura Smith and the many walks through our neighborhood together, cups of coffee, trips to work together on events - she fills my life with such laughter! 
• I am thinking of sweet Roxie Chess and the hours of "chick-flick" movies we've seen together.  Who else in my life can I spend hours and hours talking to about theology AND fashion?  Oh boy - it's been so hard to not live in the same city as you and be able to just meet you for one of our Saturday "Girl Nights."



Esther and Nate

• Or sweet Esther Choi who lived in the Quan house for a number of years and became our "adopted" daughter... all these years later to see her as a mother, growing and juggling - it's amazing to see how far we've come!
• I am thinking of some of the precious "brothers" I have shared great friendships with through the years - Colin James (best boss in the whole world) and the blood, sweat and tears we poured out in the world of Festivals -- Brent Walla and the crazy hours spent pulling together an event, as well as the great conversations about life, God and family while we produced a show -- Al Lee and the way that he has always just "shown up" for our little family through the years... hanging my pictures every time we moved houses (and that has been a lot!), bringing me flowers just because, hanging out with Dave and I on any given holiday as we clean up -- I am thinking of Johnny Myers and the hours we've spent strategizing and generally being silly through the years.



Rachel and Johnny Myers

• It has been 40 years of building, deepening and developing these sweet, long-standing friendships that have stood the test of time.  I am so blessed.  And being 40 means that I have had the time to nurture, grow and enjoy these types of friendships - these are relationships that have been cultivated over time - and I have had the time to do that.  So, for my twenty-something friends out there - look around when you hit 40.  The friends you have left in your life at 40 will tell you where you invested your time wisely through the years.

Other things I like about being 40:

• Another plus?  ...having enough years under my belt to claim a bit of wisdom.  After many years of working, juggling, overcoming, slowing down, managing people and projects... I can claim a bit of experience and wisdom in life.  This has come in handy in the work realm.  I might be the "Mama" of the office, but that's a title that means I've been around the block enough to offer some insight and expertise once in awhile. 
• And then there's the confirmation in knowing that the crucial decisions I've made through the years - the places where I stopped long enough to take something seriously - have paid off.  40 years later, you can look back with some perspective and recognize that some of those big risks you took - well, they meant something!  Two that come to mind:




Dave and Rach

• I married the right man.  I could have married a different man - someone who I had dated for a long time, a nice guy, a good guy - it would have been convenient and easier than stepping into the relationship that ultimately led to marriage.  But, I took a different path and walked away from what seemed natural at the time... and married the right guy for me.  If I had married the other guy - I would have stayed where I had always been and done the things I had always done.  Instead I opted for the adventure and I am so glad that I did.
• I didn't stay in the same city that I grew up in.  I took a risk and a chance and moved halfway across the country to this big ol' state called Texas... to a hot and humid town called Houston... and made my own life and way here.  I love, love, love this town.  I love the people and the entrepreunerial spirit of this city - the way you can be anyone and have come from anywhere and make your way here.  I love the multi-culturalism (believe it or not, much more so than Southern Cal), I love the "can do" attitude.  I love that you can find many of us taking a run in 95 degree heat and 100% humidity because we are just plain tough, hard-working folks.  This city has been good to me - I have gotten to define my path and my identity in a special and unique way here.  It is home.  It always will be.

So... I'll just keep pushin' forward through the next decade.  I hope I stop long enough to be present in all the right moments.  I hope I learn more about myself, my family and my community and that I revel in those discoveries as they come my way.  I hope I can love deeper and better and that in doing so I make a difference in the world.  I hope I can write another blog at my 50th year and be just as content as I am in this moment.

-Rachel for the Quan Clan

And... finally... for those who didn't get to see it... click on the link for the sweet slideshow that my hubby and my niece put together - a great collection of photos of life lived with so many people I love so dearly!  Click here:  http://s158.photobucket.com/albums/t86/seraph7clothing/?action=view&current=Rachel1.mp4