Parenthood - Both Real & Imagined

We went to dinner last night with our dear friends, Mike & Becky Kankelfritz.  It was fantastic - and we love sharing life with these two.  We have different backgrounds, but similar hearts and so it makes the time fly by when we're enjoying a night out with each other.  We talked a lot last night about our children (and a whole host of other topics that were completely unrelated), but there was one piece of the conversation that I am still thinking about this morning.  Mike and Becky have two beautiful children - Abby Grace and Sam.  Sam is just a little guy right now, apparently getting into everything and talking up a storm whenever they go out to a restaurant.  This led us to a discussion about fatherhood and how you have these moments when you look around and recognize that one of these moments is exactly what you had pictured when being a father was merely a dream.

Nate, 5 years old, "washing" dishes

In sharing, we talked about Nate's Little League championship and how much it meant this year.  More than that, Dave talked about two moments that he has had as a father that were merely dreams in his head when he was just imagining what being a father to a son would be like.  One took place at Disneyland when Nate was 3-years-old.  We spent all day in the Magic Kingdom with my Auntie Pam and ended the night watching the ever-famous fireworks show where Tinkerbell flies over Cinderella's Castle.  I remember coming out from a store where I was picking up a picture from earlier in the day, and looking in the distance at my husband, with Nate sitting in his lap, looking up at the sky watching the flashes of orange and green and red while iconic Disney songs played in the background.  When I sat down next to Dave, he looked over at me and said, "This is exactly what I imagined life would look like when I had a child."

And the other moment came at some point in the third year of Nate's Little League career.  Dave was coaching, Nate was catching... somewhere in the midst of all the chaos that is trying to manage a bunch of 8-year-olds and their baseball "careers", Dave looked at Nate standing next to him on the field and thought "This is exactly what I had imagined my life would be with my son."

I love those moments - those moments when we as parents can stand back and appreciate all the beauty that comes with shepherding these little souls as they grow and learn.  I think for us, especially because we had hoped to be parents for so long, we have recognized those moments in ways that might have passed us by if we had taken this privilege for granted and it had come easily.

There are also those moments where you look around and say to yourself, "This is not at all what I thought parenthood would be!"  Some of these moments for us included a month-long stint in the hospital as Nate struggled to overcome a horrible infection that almost took his life... or some of the physical challenges that came early on for us because of the birth defect he was born with.  I had not imagined moments of total desperation and fear, and the constant worry about whether we were getting him the right care in the right moment.

And, there are other difficult moments I had not imagined when contemplating parenthood - those moments that would be difficult for his little spirit - the situations that are sad and hard that you have to explain are the result of living in a very broken world -  the realities of the hard things that happen around you, or the people that aren't who they should be... and quite frankly, the moments where I, as a parent, have to back up and apologize because I have totally screwed up and I need to ask for his forgiveness. 



Abby-the "Cover Girl -enjoying a swing at Morgan's Wonderland


And, in thinking about Mike and Becky's own journey, I know there have been many things for them through the years that were moments they had not imagined when they were dreaming about being parents.  Every time I am with them, I am amazed at their parenting skills in the face of some big challenges - challenges that the majority of parents will never have to face.  What I am most amazed by is how they are this example of living life openly, authenticly - with all the love right there, as well as the honest truth about the daily struggles that come with a special needs child.  And, I have this sense that there have been some beautiful discoveries because they have this special situation - one of them of late has been the fact that Abby's photo will be on the cover of a calendar for a great place called "Morgan's Wonderland" - this incredible place where any kid can ride any ride and have a fabulous time!  The photo that Becky took of Abby is of Abby swinging in a swing, with these cute pink sunglasses on and the biggest smile in the world!  That's one of Abby's great gifts - her smile and the look of total joy that crosses that face when she is having a good time!  I know that the circumstances that Becky and Mike find themselves in were not a part of the "standard plan" they might have thought would be for them as parents  -- but I KNOW when they see that smile on Abby's face, they are thinking "That is the smile I always imagined I would delight in when I thought about what it would be like to be a parent." 

It is a special place -- that intersection where our expectations for something we have dreamed about and the reality of having it and living it out meet.  Real life can be a beautiful mix of the two.  There are many things I have dreamed about being different in my own little family unit once I had one - and I have purposefully worked towards making those things a part of the every day world in the Quan household.  And there are many things that have been hard and strange and difficult that we have embraced and lived out honestly in spite of the fact that they weren't what we had imagined life would be like as a family.  But, it makes us real, and also more capable of loving each other and walking out the very dark days together... as well as relishing the moments of pure happiness we get to encounter as we live out our lives.

One thing I have imagined that has become a reality is this - that my son would be more like my husband than me.  And, so far, so good!  Instead of my anxious and intense personality, he has inherited Dave's more laid back and "take life as it comes" personality.  Now I recognize that this can be both good and bad, but for the most part, it serves Nate well.  He enjoys life.  He genuinely enjoys it, embraces it and worries very little about tomorrow.  I love that he is like Dave in this way.   I love to watch the two of them be total "boys" - wrestling, playing Nerf basketball in his room, talking for two hours about Nate's baseball team and recounting every play from the last game, watching them battle it out with John Madden's Football on the Wii.  I also love that they spent part of today packing and carrying boxes from my old office to my new one, moving things in and out of storage - and then going on to GameStop to buy some new video games!  I am so grateful for a husband who is an incredible father - who models for Nate what it means to serve, to give (to wash dishes and cook once in awhile!), that a compassionate heart is the most important thing... a father like Dave is a rare thing.

Which leads me to:  HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!  A "shout out" to my hubby who impresses me daily with his commitment to our son and our family.  And a "shout out" to my own dad on this special day.  Also... in this blog a "shout out" to Mike and Becky K on Father's Day - you two are wonderful parents!  To all the dads out there that have touched our lives in one way or another - uncles, brothers and close friends - enjoy the day!

-Rachel for the Quan Clan